This one’s for the mourners

I realize this is a house blog, but I’m going to go deep today. If you’re not up for that, feel free to click on through and tune in next time. I won’t be offended. ;-)

I posted this on my personal social media pages today with this pretty picture of my kitty in a window: “We are supposed to be on tours today. Instead, we are on our 7th week of home bound schooling and we are all feeling a little bit like climbing the walls.” I wrote a little more to keep the post hopeful, because I’m trying to be hopeful, but I’m also sad today. 

I’m sad about all of the things my kids (and, selfishly, I) are missing. Saturday night was supposed to be the last night of the high school musical. Two of my daughters were supposed to be in it. My junior was supposed to leave immediately after for California with her class and the seniors. My freshman was supposed to leave last weekend for Washington, DC, with her class and the sophomores. And I was supposed to be leading the 7th & 8th graders on a grand tour of Texas this week. We should be spending our Saturdays on the soccer fields and our after school times watching the girls soccer team and the boys volleyball team at school. I’m frustrated trying to plan a celebration for my senior, when I don’t know if we will be able to gather in groups of less than 10 (which means our immediate family +2, lol) or maybe 25, or maybe 50? I don’t know if we will be able to go to her Basic graduation later this year, or if we will be barred from that experience as well. My kids should be worn out and slightly stressed about finals and we should be counting down to the last day of school for the sweet relief of summer and not having to go anywhere for a while. Instead summer feels like it will just sort of appear and the the only relief will be no more zoom calls. And maybe by now I should be over all of the things we’ve lost; I mean, we are on week 7 after all. But I’m not. I’m still just so sad about it all. And maybe even angry.

As a counselor, how would I help someone else go through this time? How would I give someone else hope? I’ve been asking myself this, because I don’t feel like I have any good answers. My training would say to look for meaning in this loss, but I wonder if that will only be found on the other side of it all. Not knowing when it will end, when things will return to normal, makes it hard to be reflective, if I’m honest.

We just bought and moved into a magical, beautiful home – I shouldn’t be sad. No one in my family is ill; we are all safe and healthy – I shouldn’t be sad. We have food on our table, clothes on our backs, and beds to rest in at night – I shouldn’t be sad. But that mentality dismisses the full spectrum of life and feelings we can experience. Even if all of our needs are met, there is still grief, there is still sadness, there is still loss.

I do believe there is meaning to be found in this time. I believe we will see God’s hand and purpose, even if we haven’t yet. Life will go on and we will return to some comforting level of normal. We will look back on this time with both grief and fondness because we will be able to see clearly what we lost, but also what we gained. I know there is hope to be found, so I will keep looking.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.

-  Psalm 27:13-14